Brian

We approached the door with caution; we knew what was inside, and facing it was not what one desires at the ripe old age of 10. Mama had taught us all to love and cherish each other. Papa taught us to be men and, stand up to bullies, never cry in public. But I couldn’t help it.

The tears came and had left trails down my cheeks, my nose ran, and I wiped it on the sleeve of my clean white shirt. Grandma had ironed it this morning, but one could not tell by the wrinkles which came from hiding under my bed. They had searched for over an hour before they found me.

Even some of the older people were silent and troubled by the day’s events. Brian, my older brother, had been a handful, they said. He stole apples from the market, teased the girls in school, and made me do his dishes. Even though his life was full of mischief, everyone loved him and his zest for life; always smiling, always happy.

No one knew this would happen; it was just a joke, a simple moment of fun. He jumped onto the tracks and was gone. I knew he was on the other side laughing as I screamed. He was on the other side and everywhere else; he didn’t know the other train track would be busy too.

But now I would have his room and need to babysit the others, and help Papa, and … I don’t want to go in and see him.

6-28-12

Should We Care

After a year of hard work on a project I realized the final goals of those involved where different. So after great personal deliberation, I decided to step out of the way. I could see the situation was one that could not be controlled and therefore could not have a positive outcome. As I made my intentions known I was accused of being all sorts of an unsavory character. The rhetorical question was asked, “I guess you don’t care what people think about you.” Which raised the question in my mind do I care?

          We grow up trying to please our parents, our teachers, our religious leaders. So, surely one can deduce we must care what other people think about us. Therefore it begs the question, “What about differing opinions about the same actions?” The school wants you to graduate, yet your employer says education is a waste of time. You feel a yearning for a particular religion; nonetheless friends and neighbors speak dispiritedly about those views. One’s heart aches for the love of another nonetheless, love is not returned.

It is the conflicts within our souls, which shape the clay we are made of. It is our choices of conduct, of learning, of loving, self-control, expression, restrain, unrestrained, and yes the choice of accepting things as there are, that causes the influences of those around us to manifest themselves. It is our actions and the results of them, which govern our future, or lack thereof.

          One may ask the question, “Should we care what others think, and to what extent should what they think influence our actions?” By so caring about what others think about us, are we giving our lives over to them, removing our choices and waiting for instructions from individuals who have not traveled our journey. What would we be, if we always asked others to show us what to do and how to act?

As this event has unfolded, I have tried to remain calm and remove the emotional drama and disdainful words now spewing forth in emails and texts messages. I have chosen to not participate and the anger has increased. Interestingly these have been private messages so only a few see them. I suppose that is so others will not think badly about the individual writing the messages, for they do truly care what others think of them.

As my personal resolve is; to be gracious, no matter what the situation, to understand there are influence of which I do not know within and without individuals I may have the good fortune to meet, to see beyond the moment, and praying I am making the right decisions. Ultimately it is written in our book of life, and as I look back on it, I hope for the best for everyone. Nonetheless, in the abrupt moments I try to live by the words of Polonius to his son Laertes, “This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” Take care of yourself first, he counsels, and that way you'll be in a position to take care of others.

So, it is my choice to suffer the slings and arrows of others and hold my tongue that I may one day, be in a position to help lift the hearts and souls of others.